Get short, timely messages from Rahm Emanuel.

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  1. And now all I can hear is that music, and suddenly everything just fucking... Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:40:45 PM via web
  2. I can see a thousand fucking skylines, and they are all as motherfucking glorious as the first, and I can feel the touch of my friends. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:39:08 PM via web
  3. Quaxelrod flies over, and dips his little head, touching my fading shoe. Hambone just curls softly between my invisible legs. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:37:28 PM via web
  4. Carl the Intern can't even make eye contact, but he's reaching out, and I touch his hand. And he says, "I love you," and I say "I know." Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:34:27 PM via web
  5. And that song's still playing from the car radio, on a never-fucking ending loop from hell. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:32:45 PM via web
  6. And I can see myself starting to fade out, and I hear Axelrod whispering the fucking Kaddish quietly to himself, tears streaming. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:31:38 PM via web
  7. And then the sky fucking opens up on us, and there's chunks of ice flying down. And it's pretty clear that the party's over. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:26:17 PM via web
  8. FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING TIME VORTEX. I FUCKING LOVE DANCING WITH MY FRIENDS. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:07:09 PM via web
  9. And we've pulled the Civic over, turned up "Separate Ways," and we're fucking dancing out here on the motherfucking streets! Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:04:44 PM via web
  10. We're driving down Elston when, all of a fucking sudden Axelrod's radio starts working. It's playing that fucking Journey song! Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:02:07 PM via web
  11. Picked up Carl the Intern at Lane Tech, after his mathletes practice. Carl's first words: "There's not much time left." Motherfuck. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 6:53:30 PM via web
  12. Knowing I'm entering a time vortex tonight would be a lot more tolerable if I could get Journey's "Separate Ways" out of my fucking head. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 5:44:58 PM via web
  13. Tossing bread to Quaxelrod under the Cortland street bridge. The view from here is motherfucking incredible. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 4:28:57 PM via web
  14. Driving around in Axelrod's Civic, doing loops around the block outside Chico's offices, my ass hanging out of the missing window, laughing. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 3:16:41 PM via web
  15. Watching Axelrod eat at Manny's is like watching Da Vinci paint the motherfucking Mona Lisa: a work of art. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 12:54:27 PM via web
  16. And we sit down and plan out one last, perfect, day: Lunch at Manny's, mooning Chico, tossing fucking bread to Quaxelrod. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:15:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  17. And we hug, and I give Axelrod that look that asks, "Are you going to be OK?" And he gives me that look that says "Who fucking knows." Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:11:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  18. "There must be something we can do..." But there's not. Only things that fucking suck never end: look at laundry, or dishes. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:05:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  19. Axelrod looks up, tears filling his eyes and says, simply, "don't go." Fucking time portals are a son of a bitch. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:58:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  20. We're sharing a cup together in the crawlspace, and I can tell that Axelrod's trying not to cry by the way his mustache fucking quivers. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:50:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  21. They'd better have coffee in the parallel fucking dimension I'm descending into tonight, or I'm breaking right back out. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:45:01 AM via Seesmic for Android
  22. Motherfucking coffee, I'm going to drink you like there's no goddamn tomorrow. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:37:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  23. This party's going to go all fucking night. Fuck you, tomorrow, you're just gonna have to wait. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 11:21:47 PM via web
  24. @michellemalkin Just so we're perfectly fucking clear here: You're a crazy fucking shitwad. Enjoy your night. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 10:52:05 PM via web in reply to michellemalkin
  25. And I dive into the crowd, and their hands hold me up, and together we are fucking one. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:47:52 PM via web
  26. "But tomorrow is tomorrow, and TONIGHT'S A FUCKING PARTY. LET'S GO CHICAGO!" Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:45:55 PM via web
  27. "And sure, to save the fucking world I have to disappear into a time vortex tomorrow. But being mayor is about making hard decisions." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:41:46 PM via web
  28. "Through everything-- through assholes, through cockholes--I've had two things: The people of Chicago, and my fucking friends." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:39:06 PM via web
  29. "I've held the motherfucking pulsating heart of Chicago in my hands, and I know that it beats true." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:35:18 PM via web
  30. "I've slept in an igloo and I've slept in a crawlspace and I've slept under a bridge. But as long as I was asleep in Chicago, I didn't care. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:33:42 PM via web
  31. "I've learned that this is Chicago and that CHICAGO DOESN'T FUCKING QUIT, NOT FUCKING EVER." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:31:38 PM via web
  32. "But to the rest of you, I've talked with a fuck-ton of you and I've learned about your resiliency, about your spirit." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:29:49 PM via web
  33. "The motherfuckers that contested my residency, you've got some great days ahead of you, I fucking promise you that." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:26:16 PM via web
  34. "FUCK YES CHICAGO! This has been a long fucking campaign. The other assholes didn't stand a chance, but they put up a good fight." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:25:18 PM via web
  35. Quaxelrod soars down from the balcony and lands gently on my shoulder. I stroke his downy fucking feathers and begin. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:19:35 PM via web
  36. Turns out crowdsurfing your way up to a stage takes a long fucking time. OK, victory speech--let's fucking do this. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:17:51 PM via web
  37. I'M FUCKING RIDING ON THE BODIES OF THE MEN AND WOMEN OF CHICAGO, AND I FUCKING LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:01:55 PM via web
  38. Fuck the fucking champagne slide, I'm just going to jump out of this fucking window and bodysurf to the fucking stage. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:00:15 PM via web
  39. Axelrod and I are double-fisting beers right now, smashing the empties on our foreheads. IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT TO BE ALIVE. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:57:48 PM via web
  40. Elected mayor tonight. Sucked into a time vortex tomorrow. Might as well KICK THIS PARTY OFF RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:37:10 PM via web
  41. Carl the Intern just ran in, with a notebook full of fucking numbers, his eyes wet with tears. "The time vortex: It'll close tomorrow." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:33:34 PM via web
  42. Just think about how much fucking more incredible this would feel if the Bears had won the Superbowl too. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:27:43 PM via web
  43. If you have a giant fucking pile of money and a bunch of dumb fucks running against you, DREAMS DO COME TRUE. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:14:45 PM via web
  44. Hey Halpin, I'll give you until the end of the fucking night to start packing. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:09:03 PM via web
  45. STUPID FUCKS AT WGN CALLS IT TOO. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:08:02 PM via web
  46. Quaxelrod's already taking motherfucking a fucking victory flap around the rafters of the ballroom. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:04:40 PM via web
  47. Ari's on the mic bringing the fucking noise downstairs. Mainly just bitching out the caterers. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:01:25 PM via web
  48. The big plan for tonight: We've got a champaign fountain from the top of the ballroom to the stage. I'm going to fucking ride down it. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:53:46 PM via web
  49. These motherfucking robotic vote counting machines are kind of fucking incredible, aren't they? Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:51:08 PM via web
  50. CNN FUCKING CALLS IT, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:49:24 PM via web
  51. The party is kicking the fuck off in the ballroom below. And I'm fucking seven beers in up here. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:47:50 PM via web
  52. FIFTY FOUR MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:43:00 PM via web
  53. Axelrod's in with the early results: 51 motherfucking percent. Still a long night, but SUCK ON THAT, CHICO. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:36:20 PM via web
  54. Jesus fucking christ. Time to start fucking drinking. Axelrod--beer me! Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:07:17 PM via web
  55. 7:00. Here goes motherfucking nothing. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:04:36 PM via web
  56. Time to head in to start watching results. I'm wearing a single glove over my invisible hand, motherfucking MJ style. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 6:11:27 PM via web
  57. Everyone's talking runoff, but I know it's a victory. My fingerstump disappeared this morning and now the rest of the hand is fucking going. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:35:12 PM via web
  58. Axelrod and Hambone are standing outside the Civic, Hambone's taking a shit, Axelrod's checking exit polls. There's a fucking metaphor. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:26:53 PM via web
  59. Carl and the InternCorps are on balloon duty at the party space. Ari's over there too, rearranging fucking everything. Again. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:25:31 PM via web
  60. Sitting in the backseat of Axelrod's Civic practicing these fucking speeches. Quaxelrod's giving notes. So far, he's unimpressed. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:25:07 PM via web
  61. @TheFix Ran the idea past Carl the Intern. He says it would destroy the entire space/time continuum. Great fucking thinking, Einstein. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:22:02 PM via web in reply to TheFix
  62. Carl the Intern wrote two speeches for me, one for winning and one for a runoff. There's a lot more motherfucking profanity in the latter. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 4:40:19 PM via web
  63. VOTE, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 3:11:58 PM via web
  64. Get Out the Nap was exactly what was fucking needed. Now we're driving old people to the polls. Ari's hitting on most of them. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 2:33:20 PM via web
  65. Fifteen motherfucking Get Out The Vote rallys and it's barely even noon. Might have to hold a Get Out The Nap rally later. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 12:09:27 PM via web
  66. Anyone that isn't voting today because of the snow is a motherfucking asshole. Or an invalid--OK, you've got a good excuse. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:54:01 AM via web
  67. @alexismadrigal I have a motherfucking election to win, and possibly a time vortex to dissolve into. You think I have fucking time to reply? Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:53:18 AM via web in reply to alexismadrigal
  68. Axelrod's right. Whatever the motherfucking outcome, we've got a fucking election to win. LET'S DO THIS. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:19:34 AM via web
  69. "I don't know nothing about infinite fucking Chicagos," Axelrod says. "I only know this one. And polls have been open for an hour." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:18:12 AM via web
  70. And when he says it, Quaxelroad lets out the saddest fucking quack-moan you've ever heard a duck make. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:11:55 AM via web
  71. Carl the Intern's filled an entire fucking chalkboard with equations by the time I'm done talking. "Daley's right," is all he says. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:11:17 AM via web
  72. @ShiaKapos Yeah, well don't believe everything you read in the fucking newspaper. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:06:22 AM via web in reply to ShiaKapos
  73. I'm drinking coffee and explaining everything that happened last night. Axelrod looks so surprised his fucking mustache might fall off. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:05:14 AM via web
  74. HOLY FUCK, if there's any fucking day in the world that I need coffee, it is this fucking day. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:01:51 AM via web
  75. And, before I can try to figure out what the fuck Daley's on about, the bag is back on my head, and everything goes black. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:51:14 PM via web
  76. "Which means," and he looks at me now there are fucking tears on his face, "that one of you won't survive this election." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:48:19 PM via web
  77. And Daley looks at me deadly fucking serious and says, "Which means there are two of you here, in this world, in this time." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:45:45 PM via web
  78. Except. Except something feels fucking wrong. "You notice it too," says Daley. "There's one you missing." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:38:32 PM via web
  79. And I look and... and it's Chicago--again and again. And tiny, in the corner, peering up at me, is... me. Thousands. Millions. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:36:31 PM via web
  80. "There's not just one Chicago. There's not just one you. It's infinite. And we keep the portal," and he gestures for me to fucking look in. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:31:31 PM via web
  81. Daley lifts the lid of the grill, his body straining under the weight. And suddenly I don't want to fucking know what's inside. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:28:01 PM via web
  82. "The mayor doesn't just run Chicago," Daley says, walking over to the grill. "You need to understand what's really at stake here." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:24:17 PM via web
  83. There's a whirring sound and then, up from the center of the dome rises an oversized charcoal grill. What the fuck? Monday, February 21, 2011 9:21:08 PM via web
  84. "There's something else." Daley breaks the silence, his voice cracking just a fucking little. He flips a switch on the wall. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:18:49 PM via web
  85. "It blooms year-round, thanks to them," he says quietly. And we're just looking, standing, breathing the thick moist air. Together. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:10:26 PM via web
  86. I search the ground for three small pebbles. Daley's fucking silent while I place one on each of the gravestones. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:07:38 PM via web
  87. Daley points to the headstones. "They're here with us, always. Harrison, Washington, Dad." He chokes up on that last one. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:05:11 PM via web
  88. And it's then that I notice for the first fucking time that, nestled amid the stalks of celery are three modest headstones. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:59:54 PM via web
  89. He hands me a small pinch of powder and the sharp taste of celery salt crosses my lips. "Our legacy," he says, and points to the stalks. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:58:18 PM via web
  90. Daley fucking plucks a stalk. "Care for these. Let flowers bloom. Dry them. Harvest the seeds. Grind them. Mix with salt." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:53:22 PM via web
  91. It's so warm and beautiful in the dome--green everywhere--and the air is pungent with the smell of... is that fucking celery? Monday, February 21, 2011 8:50:06 PM via web
  92. We're on the roof of City Hall. The wind is fucking strong and the snow stings when it hits my face. Daley heads into a glass dome. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:47:31 PM via web
  93. And Daley's gesturing for me to follow him, and suddenly we're out a window and heading up a motherfucking fire escape. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:38:49 PM via web
  94. And suddenly Daley's tears are gone, and they're replaced by anger. "Don't fuck all this up. There's so much more than you know." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:37:06 PM via web
  95. "And I've made a little calendar of all the secretaries' birthdays. Don't forget." If I didn't know better, I'd think Daley was welling up. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:33:24 PM via web
  96. "And Magdalena, she cleans up on alternating nights. If you have shit you don't want thrown out, make sure you put it away." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:30:40 PM via web
  97. "So the toilet, just down the hall, you need to jiggle the handle after you flush." Daley's not really making eye contact. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:29:50 PM via web
  98. "Look, there are some things you need to know. " I'm here! In his office! In City fucking Hall! Monday, February 21, 2011 8:28:50 PM via web
  99. Daley helps me up, his hands fucking envelop my arms completely. "Sorry again, but we needed to talk tonight. Can't take chances." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:26:47 PM via web
  100. I pull my head up from the marble floor and there, standing above me, is the massive fucking frame of Mayor Daley. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:20:32 PM via web
  101. "Sorry for the drama, but it's not like I could just invite you over here for tea." My fucking eyes start to come into focus. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:19:33 PM via web
  102. I'm still blinking, and the light is grinding a migrate into being, when I hear a voice fucking boom out from above me. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:17:42 PM via web
  103. I'm fucking gasping when the bag comes off. We've been driving around for an hour, clearly trying to confuse me. It worked. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:15:26 PM via web
  104. They're down in the snow, pummeling each other. And I don't even notice the figure behind me until the bag's already over my head. Fuck. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:41:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  105. And now we're all standing outside and Axelrod's yelling "LET'S GO, ASSHOLE!" at Ari. He really loves his fucking car. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:34:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  106. "Fucking Spielberg alone gave you enough to buy a fucking Beemer, and you're driving around in this shit?" Uh oh--Axelrod's pulling off. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:27:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  107. "Hey, how come your fucking radio doesn't work? What kind of piece of shit car is this?" And I can see Axelrod turning red. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:19:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  108. "I had no clue that the prerequisite for running for mayor was chopping your balls off." We're stuck in fucking stop and go traffic. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:05:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  109. "How come every news clip I see of you, you're acting like a giant walking hernia?" He's here for two fucking days. Monday, February 21, 2011 5:54:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  110. "Nice blanket, Linus. Fix the fucking airport once your mayor, OK asshole?" Motherfucking Ari. My brother's here. Monday, February 21, 2011 5:40:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  111. Wrapped in a blanket while riding shotgun in the Civic on the way to get Ari from the airport. The wind is cold through the missing window. Monday, February 21, 2011 5:18:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  112. The snow's delayed Ari's plane for a couple hours. Probably best if it were delayed until motherfucking Wednesday. Monday, February 21, 2011 3:36:37 PM via web
  113. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Whoever thought it was a good idea to have an election in February was a fucking asshole. Monday, February 21, 2011 2:11:55 PM via web
  114. Fuck you, snow. Nobody fucking wants you here. Go the fuck away. Monday, February 21, 2011 1:05:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  115. Then he had to go running back to the Civic because Axelrod called out that "We need more Corps in sector 2814." What the fuck? Monday, February 21, 2011 10:09:43 AM via web
  116. Asked Carl how things were going, and he said "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight." The fuck does that mean? Monday, February 21, 2011 10:05:58 AM via web
  117. Carl the Intern and Axelrod are directing the InterCorps from "the command center"--a laptop and a map in the backseat of the fucking Civic. Monday, February 21, 2011 10:02:51 AM via web
  118. When I run for reelection, I'm having a motherfucking hand-shaking robot built. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:01:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  119. Let's just keep the motherfucking coffee coming, non-fucking stop. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  120. Hambone just brought the schedule: (1) shake 10,000 voters' hands (2) pick up Ari from the airport (3) keep Ari away from voters. Fuck. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:22:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  121. Fucking shit fuck. Motherfucking overslept on the last fucking full day of campaigning. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:06:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  122. Floating in my basement, watching TV with friends, drinking cold beer, 34 hours before polls open: fucking living the dream. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:58:43 PM via web
  123. Also: We've got our beer down under the floodwater, and Quaxelrod dives down when we need new cans. Ice fucking cold. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:45:23 PM via web
  124. I mean, yeah, all those people are fucked, but they're going to fucking go down fighting. Also important: Martin Lawrence is hilarious. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:43:41 PM via web
  125. And maybe it's the fucking beer talking, but I see those shots from inside the fucking rotunda, and I just get weepy. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:41:38 PM via web
  126. We're just bobbing around in this flooded crawlspace flipping between repeats of Martin and news from motherfucking Wisconsin. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:37:35 PM via web
  127. @paulgamboa who fucking died and made you the Home Depot? Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:27:42 PM via web in reply to paulgamboa
  128. Duck-taped a TV to the ceiling of the crawlspace and found some pool floats to sleep on. It's like living inside a fucking waterbed: amazing Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:23:01 PM via web
  129. @lynnsweet You don't want to mess with the black swan, bitch. Sunday, February 20, 2011 3:29:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lynnsweet
  130. @lynnsweet Fuck that shit. Dance-off or nothing, Lynn--you first. Sunday, February 20, 2011 2:21:58 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lynnsweet
  131. Now let's go dump some fucking Chico signs in potholes brimming with dogshit-infused rainwater runoff. Sunday, February 20, 2011 2:04:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  132. Two more motherfucking days of this campaign, and if flying through the air free as a bird is the best there is, well I'll fucking take it. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:56:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  133. And I hit the mat and stick the landing and everyone's cheering except Jesse White who just gives me this awesome fucking two-finger point. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:44:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  134. AND I'M FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND I WISH THIS MOMENT COULD LAST FOR FUCKING EVER. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:37:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  135. And everyone's cleared the way, made a space for me to run at the fucking springboard. And now I'm running as fast as I can. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:35:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  136. Now everyone's fucking cheering--Jesse White, the Tumblers, the people eating--and one of the Tumblers calls out, "The runway's all yours!" Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:31:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  137. The Tumblers are fucking amazing, flying right over the people eating. Each flip brings them closer to the ceiling. Beautiful! Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:24:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  138. It's too wet to tumble outside, so the Tumblers have set up their mats and springboard here in the motherfucking restaurant. Yes! Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:03:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  139. Lunch with the Jesse White Tumblers. This gray fucking day just got a whole lot brighter. Sunday, February 20, 2011 12:34:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  140. Lynn Sweet thinks she's being cute publishing that old photo of me in a leotard. MOTHERFUCKING DANCE OFF, LYNN. LET'S GO. Sunday, February 20, 2011 11:12:06 AM via web
  141. Quaxelrod's fucking loving it though, bobbing his way around all the board games and action figures floating around down there. Sunday, February 20, 2011 10:59:30 AM via web
  142. Spent the morning bailing out the crawlspace. Our sleeping bags are fucking soaked. Just fucking perfect. Sunday, February 20, 2011 10:51:28 AM via web
  143. Holy shit, the crawlspace is flooding! MOTHERFUCK YOU RAIN! Sunday, February 20, 2011 9:35:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  144. Carl calls them The InternCorps, they're all wearing these fucking green rings. "We'll be fine, as long as Chico's not wearing yellow." Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:48:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  145. Carl the Intern has been training a legion of volunteers this week. Chicago, prepare to get motherfucking hang tagged. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  146. Coffee! You are motherfucking wonderful! Let me carry you gently in my goddamn belly! Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:06:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  147. @Dornando If I had the energy to lift this box, I could assure you that you're fucking wrong, you dumb fuck. Saturday, February 19, 2011 3:21:57 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Dornando
  148. Jesus fucking Christ, Samoa crash. I can't even fucking move. Saturday, February 19, 2011 3:12:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  149. Girl Scouts on Cottage Grove! I am going to fuck up this box of Samoas! Saturday, February 19, 2011 2:54:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  150. Motherfucking canoe races in Washington Park. Quaxelrod is smoking everyone's ass. Saturday, February 19, 2011 1:15:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  151. This city is at its absolute ugliest when the snow melts. Fucking drifts of weeks-old Cheeto bags and Snickers wrappers. Saturday, February 19, 2011 9:55:23 AM via web
  152. With all the snow melted, it takes Hambone about an hour to make it around one fucking block because of the mountains of shit he can sniff. Saturday, February 19, 2011 9:34:48 AM via web
  153. OK, you sunny, chilly Saturday, prepare to get fucked. Saturday, February 19, 2011 9:26:35 AM via web
  154. Hey Boehner--fuck you, you stupid orange fuck. Saturday, February 19, 2011 8:59:15 AM via web
  155. I am the motherfucking donut king this morning. Saturday, February 19, 2011 8:42:53 AM via web
  156. HOLY FUCK, THE MOON IS MOTHERFUCKING ENORMOUS. Friday, February 18, 2011 7:04:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  157. @LakeviewGreg why on gods motherfucking green earth would I follow any of you assholes? Friday, February 18, 2011 5:19:36 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to LakeviewGreg
  158. 5:00! Motherfucking Friday fucking night starts right goddamn now. Friday, February 18, 2011 4:59:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  159. He also won't let me hang a tire swing from the Hancock Building or sleep in the dolphin tank at the Shedd. Four days of fucking suck. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:58:14 AM via web
  160. Axelrod shot down my plan: Greet voters in a little booth under the Bean, because shit looks fucking CRAZY down there. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:55:19 AM via web
  161. In strategy sessions all morning. It's four fucking days people, how hard can it be? Show up places, shake hands, don't be an ass. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:41:23 AM via web
  162. Holy fuck, by the end of this weekend my shaking hand might just fall clean off. Friday, February 18, 2011 9:11:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  163. Up all night last night and this coffee is not fucking helping at all. Five more days of this motherfucking campaign. Friday, February 18, 2011 7:33:36 AM via web
  164. Choking down coffee in a Mobil station on the way back from Rockford. It's like drinking motherfucking rotgut. Friday, February 18, 2011 7:29:32 AM via web
  165. Waterslides, Feingold, beer brats, whiskey, and some motherfucking crazy-ass Wisconsin Senators. I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:57:41 PM via web
  166. Axelrod fucking owns this waterslide. He's fucking up there, calling out types of cheeses, and sending senators flying down. "Fontina!" Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:47:27 PM via web
  167. Feingold just showed up with a case of whiskey and a couple of pool noodles. This motherfucking party's going all night. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:39:05 PM via web
  168. Hey Wisconsin, fuck you for winning the Superbowl, but your motherfucking Senators are bad-ass. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:27:56 PM via web
  169. Holy shit, Rockford sucks. But these Wisconsin Dems are fucking awesome. Beer bongs and waterslides, bitches. Thursday, February 17, 2011 9:25:20 PM via web
  170. Axelrod and I just loaded the Civic up with beer. We're heading out to Rockford to fucking party with the exiled Wisconsin Democrats. Thursday, February 17, 2011 8:50:39 PM via web
  171. Ron Majors, motherfucking beer me. Thursday, February 17, 2011 8:00:05 PM via web
  172. LAST DEBATE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING RACE, I MADE YOU MY BITCH. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:59:17 PM via web
  173. Of all the debates I've been to, I think that Ron Majors, Captain Boring, and Fake Arianna Huffington are doing a pretty fucking good job. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:52:33 PM via web
  174. If a casino actually ends up in Chicago, I swear to god, I'll never see Axelrod again. Slot fucking jockey. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:49:35 PM via web
  175. I want to hire Del Valle to read me bedtime stories. He opens his mouth and a motherfucking Therm-a-rest mattress comes out. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:47:52 PM via web
  176. I'm so glad I'm wearing my unicorn T-shirt under this suit. When I get down, I just think of that golden fucking horn, and I feel better. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:39:33 PM via web
  177. Oh good, we've reached the "everyone shit on Rahm" part of the debate. It's cool, I'll go get my motherfucking raincoat. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:35:52 PM via web
  178. I'm working on a sudoku when the camera's off me, and Jesus fucking Christ, it's making me fucking nuts. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:21:54 PM via web
  179. I am still 100 percent fucking positive that this debate would be way fucking better if we were using muppets. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:15:27 PM via web
  180. Hambone is still fucking pissed at me for the dog grooming tax. He's been getting extra walks to make up for it. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:09:22 PM via web
  181. She might be completely motherfucking crazy, but Braun's new haircut is fierce. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:05:02 PM via web
  182. OK, bitches. Let's debate this shit. This shit is so fucking ON. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:01:14 PM via web
  183. Wait a second--Del Valle has a motherfucking ventriloquist's dummy... nobody told me there was a fucking talent portion! Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:53:00 PM via web
  184. I'm walking around backstage just headfaking the fuck out of everyone. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:49:51 PM via web
  185. Also, it's fucking disappointing that the League of Women Voters aren't going to let us come in with pyro and entrance music. What the fuck. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:41:25 PM via web
  186. Who thought inviting 2000 people to this last debate was a good idea? Might as well have built the fucking Thunderdome. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:37:31 PM via web
  187. Jesus fucking Christ, it's fucking nuts with puddles out here. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:20:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  188. Holy shit, have you been outside yet? It's fucking warm! Let's do the debate outside, pool-party style. Thursday, February 17, 2011 3:31:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  189. Debate prep: If someone wheels in that Jeopardy-playing computer, I've got a motherfucking hammer at the ready. Thursday, February 17, 2011 1:06:47 PM via web
  190. Debate prep: If we end up in a dance-off, those other motherfuckers are fucking done. Black Swan, bitches! Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:33:01 PM via web
  191. Debate prep: In a pickup game, if it looks like Chico's going in for a dunk, it's better to draw the foul by throwing a fucking elbow. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:31:10 PM via web
  192. Debate prep: If it turns into a running race, my size gives me a distinct advantage in the 50 and 100. Distance may be a fucking problem. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:27:55 PM via web
  193. Debate prep: If I'm challenged to a motherfucking duel, do it with swords not pistols. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:23:38 PM via web
  194. Debate prep: How to deflect all oncoming assaults from other candidates, up to and including being set on fire. Stop, drop and fucking roll. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:19:51 PM via web
  195. Axelrod thought that sounded like a good idea, and just took a swing at me. So I'll be the candidate on stage with a shiner. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:10:25 PM via web
  196. I swear to fucking god, the prep in the afternoon may as well just be Fight-Club style: free fucking hits, come and get 'em. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:06:48 PM via web
  197. An entire morning of prepping for an ass fucking of a debate. Every candidate's last chance to get a shot in. Fuck me. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:05:15 PM via web
  198. All day prep for the final debate tonight on a hangover from hell. Someone keep the coffee motherfucking coming. Thursday, February 17, 2011 8:35:09 AM via web
  199. Today coffee is a steaming cup of fucking awesome. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:28:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  200. Axelrod and Carl the Intern are pulling me out of the box. "We heard you screaming from the 19th Ward." I love my fucking friends. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:54:59 PM via web
  201. And I'm flying backwards fucking fast, but I hear Curtis yell out "NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS, MAN. WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT YOU?" Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:47:06 PM via web
  202. And I can't even ask "who" before he he says, "You have to go, man. You have to go right now." And I can feel myself being pulled away... Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:45:21 PM via web
  203. And he stops dancing and looks right at me and says, so quietly it's almost fucking inaudible, "He's looking for you." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:43:56 PM via web
  204. And then Curtis leans in really fucking close and, in a whisper, he says, "There's something else you should know, man." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:41:55 PM via web
  205. And suddenly Curtis is singing again, just slow and low, and I can fucking feel the dance come back to me, and then we're dancing together. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:39:21 PM via web
  206. And Curtis Mayfield points to the fucking skyline inside his chest and he says, "It needs someone, someone to hold it, someone to love it." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:38:16 PM via web
  207. "Chicago is hurting. I can feel it," and he opens his suit and inside is no body, but the motherfucking skyline itself. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:36:11 PM via web
  208. "But my brother, it's not life, or stories, that I want to talk about. It's my city. It's Chicago." I'm starting to feel fucking woozy again Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:33:43 PM via web
  209. "And there are a lot more stories still to tell. Just don't tell them with cheap-ass 'they were all dead' endings." I fucking won't, Curtis. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:32:01 PM via web
  210. "You've got of life still ahead of you. Especially if you don't eat old shit you find in a box." Curtis fucking right on on that one. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:30:08 PM via web
  211. But then Curtis says, in that beautiful fucking voice of his, "This isn't the kind of story where it turns out you're dead." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:28:28 PM via web
  212. And Curtis is just humming now and the bunny is so fucking soft. And you know what, if this is it, this is pretty fucking good. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:22:58 PM via web
  213. And the Pat the Bunny bunny comes running over, and hops into my arms. And he's so motherfucking soft, I could pat him forever. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:22:06 PM via web
  214. And he's putting his hand on my arm, the one that has the sleeve missing, and for the first time in fucking months, I just feel calm. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:20:07 PM via web
  215. And he's singing, really quietly, but it's beautiful. A slow version of "It's All Right." And I close my eyes, and I know that it is. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:18:54 PM via web
  216. And out of the wall, just right there out of it, like it didn't exist at all, walks Curtis Mayfield. He's wearing a beautiful fucking suit. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:17:37 PM via web
  217. Landed. And I'm in a white room, and there's music playing softly. And there's no wheat, and no dibs tower. There's no fucking anything. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:13:21 PM via web
  218. "Look, there's something you need to know, about you. About this..." but my eyes are fucking blurred, and I can feel myself falling. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:35:42 PM via web
  219. "We don't have much time," Siskel's yanking me backwards now, and my chest feels fucking hollow as he does it. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:34:01 PM via web
  220. And now Siskel is trying to pull me away with his giant fucking thumbs, but I want to stay holding this glowing heart forever. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:31:57 PM via web
  221. I'm hugging the glowing fucking heart of Studs Turkel, and it's wet and it's bright, and I can feel all of you beat inside it. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:28:29 PM via web
  222. "Their shoulders are broad, but their hearts are fragile. You have to feel the pulse of the city," and he waves me towards the fucking heart Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:26:46 PM via web
  223. He's floating just slightly above the ground, but Siskel speaks with fucking gravity: "Studs' heart beats for all Chicagoans." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:25:35 PM via web
  224. Gene Siskel's smile compete's with the light of Studs' heart. His thumbs are fucking enormous. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:21:36 PM via web
  225. A figure walks in front of the heart, its bright light still filtering through his translucent form. "Thumbs up, my friend." Siskel! Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:19:38 PM via web
  226. I've climbed up to anther landing. Up here, the motherfucking heart of Studs Turkel is shining like a fucking beacon. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:15:38 PM via web
  227. It's motherfucking beautiful up here, the sun making this tower of junk glow with the righteous power of millions of saved parking spaces. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:09:39 PM via web
  228. We're up above the clouds now. Looking down is just a sea of pink fluff. Actually, it looks motherfucking delicious. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:05:55 PM via web
  229. ..CK. I blacked out there. My motherfucking head is pounding. There's that fucking bunny again, climbing ever upward. Here we go. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:00:09 PM via web
  230. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FU... Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:14:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  231. And I can feel myself passing out when Marshall Field floats right up to me, looks me in the fucking eyes and says: "He's looking for you." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:13:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  232. "It's a city that doesn't quit. It's a city that never stops believing." And he's humming some fucking tune I can't place. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:10:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  233. "At the end of all that horror, we built a city of dreams, my friends and I. They said we couldn't. We did." I'm going to be fucking sick. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:01:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  234. "The river, it used to bubble with poison. It killed scores. My friends and I, we reversed it." I'm getting fucking dizzy. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:57:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  235. "This city burned once. The screams still haunt me. But my friends and I built it back." His head is floating fucking circles around me. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:53:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  236. Field's fucking luminescent mouth opens and he speaks: "If you want to run this city, there's some things you need to know." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:49:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  237. You know what? Field may be a motherfucking disembodied head, but he still looks fucking classy. Dapper tie dangling down. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:41:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  238. I've reached a landing, though the tower still fucking rises above. A door opens, and the disembodied head of Marshall Field floats out. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:35:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  239. I'm probably a mile up this motherfucking tower of milk crates and lawn chairs. All I can see in every direction is wheat ringed by water. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:30:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  240. Well, it's either walk back through that field of wheat or climb up this tower of dibs furniture. Motherfuck it, let's head up. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:15:02 PM via web
  241. I turn and say, "I don't know what to do," but Sweetness is already gone, the dulcet tones of the Superbowl Shuffle all that's fucking left. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:10:38 PM via web
  242. That fucking bunny hops off Payton's back and scampers up the tower, and Sweetness turns and says, "We've run together as far as we can." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:08:23 PM via web
  243. We've reached a clearing, and Sweetness turns and says, "We're here." It's a huge motherfucking tower made out of dibs chairs. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:05:47 PM via web
  244. We've been running through this wheat field for fucking hours now. It's so hot, I ripped a sleeve off my shirt to wipe away the sweat. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:03:00 PM via web
  245. I have the distinct fucking feeling that this is going to be a long motherfucking day. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:26:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  246. Definitely Sweetness. He ran by again, this time with the Pat the Bunny bunny on his back. The fucking bunny turned and said "follow me." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:25:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  247. Someone just ran by me in this wheat field. He was running fucking fast. All I saw was the number 34. Sweetness? Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:21:59 AM via Seesmic for Android
  248. I remember packing this box, and don't remember fitting and entire field of fucking wheat in here. But that's what I'm standing in. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:17:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  249. OK, nobody fucking panic, but this box is definitely getting fucking bigger. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:12:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  250. Ate it. And holy fucking fuck, I swear to god the bunny on the cover of that book just winked at me. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:07:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  251. I am so motherfucking hungry that I might eat this motherfucking jar of fermented baby food I found. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:02:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  252. But really, there are only so many times a guy can read "Pat the Bunny," and this pile of cloth diapers is getting fucking short. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:40:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  253. Everyone else must be on day two of my wards tour. Which maybe is a blessing, because today is all the shitty wards. Looking at you, 14th. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:36:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  254. There was a shift in the night, and there's something on top of this box now. I can't get it open. Fucking trapped. With no coffee. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:30:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  255. Fell asleep inside this box. Have the worst fucking crick in my back and can't really move. Uh, Axelrod? Carl? Hambone? Quaxelrod? Anyone? Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:22:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  256. Which, admittedly, might be kind of soon because I think I just heard Axelrod pop a fucking beer. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:51:54 PM via web
  257. Fuck it: HIDE AND SEEK, MOTHERFUCKERS. I'll get out of this goddamn box of baby clothes when I'm motherfucking ready. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:47:12 PM via web
  258. So you fucking play the game the way it's played, right? Isn't that the whole motherfucking point of hide n seek: to not be found? Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:42:44 PM via web
  259. So really, what the fuck was the point of getting in this goddamn box in the first place? Oh right: because it's a motherfucking game. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:36:08 PM via web
  260. GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING TYPOS. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:35:07 PM via web
  261. But here's the thing: I could stay in this box all fucking night, and you know who I am at the end it? An asshole in a box. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:33:04 PM via web
  262. There's a couple picture books in this box if I get bored. And a big fucking stack of cloth diapers, so I'm good on that end too. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:28:54 PM via web
  263. I can hear them calling my name out there, but fuck it. I can lie stiller than the fucking lake on a windless night. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:25:45 PM via web
  264. Hide-n-seek in the crawlspace. I am stuffed so far into this fucking box of baby clothes that nobody is every going to find me. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:22:09 PM via web
  265. Ward 41 came through with a motherfucking gin jacuzzi. Haven't sat in one of these since Thanksgiving at Ari's. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 6:33:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  266. The next motherfucking ward I visit had better have a fucking swimming pool filled with whiskey. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 6:04:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  267. Ward 39 made a motherfucking mashed potato Sears Tower. It even has working elevators. Fucking incredible! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 5:44:25 PM via web
  268. I swear to fucking god, I will donate $2500 to the charity of your choice if you can come and fix this motherfucking radio. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 5:30:31 PM via web
  269. Driving around these wards would be a whole lot fucking less boring if the goddamn radio in Axelrod's Civic wasn't busted. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 4:49:36 PM via web
  270. Thanks, 29th Ward, for fixing our muffler! Too bad the 31st Ward just smoked your fucking ass with a block-long banana split. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 3:33:10 PM via web
  271. Holy fuck, we're dragging that muffler down the motherfucking street, aren't we? I see fucking sparks out the back window. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 3:16:08 PM via web
  272. Holy fuck: the 28th Ward stole all the remaining snow from the 24th and build a huge luge run! LUGE MOTHERFUCKERS, LUGE! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 2:35:55 PM via web
  273. Bumper boats in the 24th ward. You're in the motherfucking drink, Axelrod! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 2:01:32 PM via web
  274. Hot air balloon in the 22nd ward. I can see motherfucking Joliet from up here! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:36:30 PM via web
  275. @wbezacuddy I've got eight hundred and forty-eight motherfucking reasons why that isn't going to happen. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:20:33 PM via web in reply to wbezacuddy
  276. Prize to the first ward that will just let me lie down and take a fucking nap. Maybe push the bed around a little, sing a song. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:15:35 PM via web
  277. Word has it the 35th has set up a miniature Tokyo and has a big Godzilla suit for me to stomp it all with. Can't fucking wait! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:11:04 PM via web
  278. Holy shit, Ward 26--a human-sized Italian Beef. I'm getting motherfucking dipped! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:03:20 PM via web
  279. It's no baby goats, but the 42nd Ward had a pretty good comeback: They're all giving me piggy back rides. Fucking amazing! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:50:47 AM via web
  280. MOTHERFUCKING BABY GOAT ALERT. Holy fuck, it's so goddamn cute it hurts. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:42:22 AM via web
  281. Jackpot: petting zoo in the 43rd Ward! You are so fucking fucked, 34th. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:35:50 AM via web
  282. Got word that the 20th Ward has built a pit filled with fun-sized candy bars for me to jump in. Fucking top that, 27th. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:30:14 AM via web
  283. That's it, it's time for a Ward-off. 44 surrounded me with adorable children. The fuck you got, 36? Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:09:19 AM via web
  284. It would be motherfucking awesome if we weren't changing a tire in front of an old folks' home in the 40th Ward right now. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:39:39 AM via web
  285. Quaxelrod's giving me fucking grief about the lack of ponds in every ward. There's a motherfucking lake--appreciate that. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:26:14 AM via web
  286. Another upside: Can really flesh out my "Wards that are pieces of shit" list. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:05:27 AM via web
  287. Upside of this fucking 50 Wards concept: Pretty much every goddamn stop is a coffee shop. 50 motherfucking cups, let's go. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:53:46 AM via web
  288. This would be a lot more tolerable if it was 50 wards in 50 minutes. Just gun the fucking Civic and fly through all of them. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:33:22 AM via web
  289. I just visited my hundredth motherfucking El stop. One fucking week more of this shit and then all the pain goes away. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:26:07 AM via web
  290. 50 Wards, 50 hours. Whoever the fuck thought of this is most definitely going on the cock-punch list. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:05:59 AM via web
  291. Motherfucking coffee, you're all I fucking need today. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 7:58:53 AM via web
  292. Sufficiently drunk to move on to the highlight of my Valentines' night: Throwing chunks of slush into the fucking lake. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:15:40 PM via web
  293. Drinking the Carol Marin: bourbon, lemon syrup, bitters, sparkling wine. Delicious, and it'll kick your fucking ass. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:01:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  294. Fucking goddamn done with that bullshit. VALENTINES NIGHT COMMENCE. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:56:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  295. Personally, I was hoping we could talk a little more about motherfucking musical theater. Spamalot, bitches. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:50:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  296. You know what's pathetic? That 70% of this debate is about corruption. Motherfucking Chicago, you're a hard fucking city to love sometimes. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:42:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  297. I hope Jody Weiss isn't doing his normal Monday-night drinking game on his name, because he's fucking gone by now. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:35:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  298. Motherfucking motherfuck, that question had nothing to do with motherfucking bread crumbs. My ass hurts. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:24:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  299. So far Quaxelrod's prep questions were spot-fucking on. My "gotcha" should be about bread crumbs in the parks. Fucking ready. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:22:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  300. Basic debate strategy: Sit back and let everyone else motherfucking destroy each other. Chico Tea Party endorsement, go! Monday, February 14, 2011 7:19:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  301. Braun's zombie smile is fucking incredible. When I'm mayor, I'm appointing her to the committee of motherfucking crazy smiles. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:13:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  302. Next debate, we should do this shit with motherfucking muppets. Del Valle would look incredible. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:07:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  303. OK, Carol Marin, let's motherfucking debate this shit. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:02:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  304. Fuck this, I'm prepped. How hard can it be: schools, budget, cops, how fucking crazy Braun is. Done, done, done, and done. Monday, February 14, 2011 4:21:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  305. Quaxelrod is clearly angling for a news anchor gig, with all his feathered fucking showboating on these debate prep questions. Monday, February 14, 2011 4:00:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  306. To be honest, the duck is kicking all of our asses with these fucking questions. Monday, February 14, 2011 3:28:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  307. Debate prep: Axelrod's Chico, Carl the Intern in my wife's wedding dress is Braun, Hambone is Del Valle. Quaxelrod? Carol fucking Marin. Monday, February 14, 2011 3:23:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  308. I keep starting a card for Del Valle, and then I get about eight percent done and wonder why I'm even fucking bothering. Monday, February 14, 2011 9:00:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  309. Valentine for Chico: On the front is a kitty holding a paper heart. Inside it says, "Let's go, asshole. Fuck you, Rahm." Monday, February 14, 2011 8:42:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  310. Couldn't find the flowers for Braun. Settled for a box of in-two-weeks-everyone's-going-to-fucking-forget-about-you-again. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:34:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  311. There's a motherfucking debate on Valentines Day? How fucking romantic. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:25:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  312. I'm trying to track down a bouquet of nobody-gives-a-fuck for Braun. Fuck me if the florists aren't going to be swamped. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:57:37 AM via web
  313. Axelrod's fucking into the blood-coffee "It's like I'm Edward." Monday, February 14, 2011 7:48:39 AM via web
  314. Carl the Intern's Valentine's surprise was to dye the coffee red. It looks like we're fucking drinking blood. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:47:10 AM via web
  315. Hambone, it should be said, is in fucking heaven. That little dog has probably eaten six cans' worth himself. What could go wrong with that? Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:43:37 PM via web
  316. We're cleaning a few dozen cans worth of pork n beans off the floor of the crawlspace. Escaped in such a hurry last week, we fucking forgot. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:41:12 PM via web
  317. Our Grammy party got ruined when we remembered that the Grammys are motherfucking awful. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:32:34 PM via web
  318. Fuck you, sun! Don't fucking set on us, you fucking gas-bastard. Sunday, February 13, 2011 4:38:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  319. Margaritas son jodidamente increíble cierto ahora. Sunday, February 13, 2011 3:49:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  320. Quaxelrod is soaring around this beautiful blue fucking sky. He's as free as a bird now. Sunday, February 13, 2011 3:23:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  321. We pulled a Slip n Slide up from the crawlspace. Wet and wild, motherfuckers! Best fucking day ever. Sunday, February 13, 2011 3:10:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  322. We are grilling every motherfucking thing we can get our hands on. Come over, it's fucking awesome. Sunday, February 13, 2011 2:31:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  323. Seriously, if you're not outside right now, you're clearly a fucking asshole. Sunday, February 13, 2011 12:41:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  324. It's absolutely fucking incredible outside. Axelrod's busted out the Speedo, and we're all motherfucking jealous. Sunday, February 13, 2011 12:27:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  325. We're fucking surfing the remains of the igloo. You served us well, our cold, snowy friend. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:56:44 AM via web
  326. HOLY FUCK: We have achieved near-total structural failure of this motherfucking igloo. Abandon goddamn ship. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:38:13 AM via web
  327. I ate a fucked-up chicken salad sandwich today, and I've been dealing with my own personal mayoral runoff ever since. Saturday, February 12, 2011 7:30:04 PM via web
  328. Huh. This whole "living in an igloo" thing is about to get super fucking wet, isn't it? Saturday, February 12, 2011 2:10:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  329. THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING THREE DEGREES. WE FUCKING MADE IT, CHICAGO! Saturday, February 12, 2011 10:20:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  330. 29 degrees now? This bitch breaks above freezing, and we're hitting the fucking beach. Saturday, February 12, 2011 9:24:15 AM via web
  331. Summer loving: We're grilling the fucking coffee this morning. Hickory motherfucking smoked. Saturday, February 12, 2011 8:31:06 AM via web
  332. This is the first motherfucking morning in a hundred years where I'm not going to end up frozen to a commuter while shaking hands at the El. Saturday, February 12, 2011 8:24:58 AM via web
  333. 28 degrees? HOLY FUCK, IT'S SUMMERTIME. Saturday, February 12, 2011 8:11:11 AM via web
  334. And now we're all singing "Power of Love," arms clasped around each other's necks, and fuck all of you assholes, I fucking love my friends. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:23:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  335. Axelrod just stood up, poured a little out for dead homies, and started singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." A-fucking-mazing. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:06:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  336. Penny's going solo on Cee Lo's "Fuck You," and she's amazing. Take that, Gwyneth--you fucking ruined Glee forever. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:52:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  337. Quaxelrod is quacking his way through motherfucking "No Sleep 'Till Brooklyn." Honestly, the verses are tripping him up a little. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:41:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  338. This whole fucking world can lick "MY, MY, MY SERPENTINE!" Friday, February 11, 2011 8:27:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  339. We're all singing and I'm up on Axelrod's shoulders and my head is scraping against the snow ceiling, and I don't fucking care. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:23:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  340. "YOU'RE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING JUNGLE, BABY!" And let me tell you, at that point on this igloo is on fucking fire. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:18:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  341. Everyone's cheering and telling me to and I'm just playing it fucking coy. Then I grab the mic and yell, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE??" Friday, February 11, 2011 8:17:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  342. Axelrod. Pritzker. "Islands in the Stream." That is what they motherfucking are. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:58:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  343. Carl the Intern is absolutely fucking killing it on "Tiny Dancer." He said it was for someone special. I wonder who that is? Friday, February 11, 2011 7:35:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  344. Axelrod shotgunned a beer and launched right into "Hot Blooded." Motherfucking karaoke night rules. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:08:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  345. Karaoke in the igloo tonight. Shit's gonna get fucking nuts. Penny Pritzker's bringing her golden karaoke machine. Friday, February 11, 2011 6:50:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  346. Snow stopped, week's done, MOTHERFUCKING BEER O'CLOCK, BITCHES. Friday, February 11, 2011 5:00:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  347. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure you can build an airplane out of the shit in my motherfucking crawlspace. FUCK YOU, INACCESSIBLE CLOUDS. Friday, February 11, 2011 2:01:37 PM via web
  348. Carl the Intern is sketching out designs for an airplane that we can fly up into these fucking snow clouds. It's motherfucking payback time. Friday, February 11, 2011 1:59:41 PM via web
  349. Oh my fucking god, it is not goddamn snowing again, is it? Friday, February 11, 2011 1:44:59 PM via web
  350. @juggernautco He's a good puppy. I knew he left it there. Just be glad I didn't light it on fucking fire first. Friday, February 11, 2011 12:25:48 PM via web in reply to juggernautco
  351. @adrianholovaty thanks for hosting, and for promising that nerd isn't motherfucking contagious. Still going to for a second opinion. Friday, February 11, 2011 12:11:41 PM via web in reply to adrianholovaty
  352. I'm geolocating my ass out of this fucking place. Here's to a motherfucking geek-free weekend. Friday, February 11, 2011 11:34:47 AM via web
  353. Carl the Intern is trying to explain it to me, but if he says "geo"-anything one more fucking time, I'm walking out. Friday, February 11, 2011 10:28:12 AM via web
  354. If someone could actually tell me what this motherfucking company actually does, that'd be a big fucking help. Everywhat? Friday, February 11, 2011 10:26:37 AM via web
  355. I have completely run out of shit to say to nerds. Maybe I'll just give them a word problem and be done with this fucking bullshit. Friday, February 11, 2011 10:15:15 AM via web
  356. For all the nerds I've put up with this week, I'd better spend every fucking day next week being dunked by Derrick Rose. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:38:50 AM via web
  357. Hambone brought in today's itinerary: Some motherfucking map company. Great. More fucking nerds. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:37:18 AM via web
  358. Axelrod's doing TV this morning, which is a bummer because he was going to help fortify the igloo for the coming melt. Fuck. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:43:40 AM via web
  359. So now we have to endure Chico strutting around like a motherfucking peacock because he's only losing by 30 points, huh? Friday, February 11, 2011 7:39:32 AM via web
  360. Dear coffee, you are the motherfucking greatest of all of mankind's inventions. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:25:58 AM via web
  361. End of a stupid fucking debate means it's time to get stupid fucking drunk. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:36:59 PM via web
  362. You know what? Quaxelrod was right: Everyone in this race is motherfucking crazy. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:12:52 PM via web
  363. Where have I been scared in this city? HOLY FUCK THIS IS THE DUMBEST FUCKING DEBATE EVER. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:10:47 PM via web
  364. We can answer questions just based on reviews we've read about shit? That's awesome, because I have Yelp fucking ready to go. LET'S DO THIS. Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:54:09 PM via web
  365. Holy fuck, we're saved: invest in nanotech and hardware stores. Can I just walk out? Is that allowed? Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:48:41 PM via web
  366. And also: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:44:26 PM via web
  367. Wait a second: What the fuck is a nanotechnology again? Just really small shit? Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:44:04 PM via web
  368. I swear to fucking god, there are more people asking questions than answering them in this debate. Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:34:58 PM via web
  369. You know what this day needs? A motherfucking debate. Here we go. Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:30:51 PM via web
  370. Made it back to the igloo. Eric Schmidt and his fucking Google Goons finally wheeled away when they realized they were missing Stargate SG1. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:50:11 PM via web
  371. You know, shit like this never happened back when I was a fucking dancer. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:56:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  372. Hiding out under the LaSalle bridge. We can hear the fucking Google Segways overhead, but figure they'll run out of batteries eventually. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:46:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  373. Running. Holy fuck, we're running. And we're being pursued by 300 fucking geeks. Geeks with motherfucking swords. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:33:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  374. I have no idea what he's even saying, but Axelrod tells me when Schmidt gets to the line, "Madness? THIS IS GOOGLE!" We need to fucking run. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:26:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  375. Now Schmidt's giving a speech that Axelrod says is from the movie "300," but I wouldn't know, cause I'm not a fucking nerd. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:22:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  376. Schmidt's just wheeling back and forth, yelling, "YOU WANT SOME MORE, BITCH?" I assure you that I didn't even want it the first fucking time Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:19:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  377. Holy fuck. You don't quite understand pain until you've been knocked on your ass by a nerd on a Segway. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:14:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  378. Don't ask me how it happened, but we're out on Kinzie right now getting ready to Segway joust. I'm so fucking fucked. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:06:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  379. Schmidt wheels right up to my fucking face and says, "I know what you're thinking: Maybe I should have taken the blue pill." Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:30:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  380. I might have to do a motherfucking Bing search to figure out a way out of here. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:27:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  381. Eric Schmidt just wheeled in on his Segway, and is circling me, tossing fucking headfakes. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:25:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  382. Well this is the first talk I've ever given where half of the audience is on motherfucking Segways. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:21:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  383. Axelrod just came out in his Tron outfit and Carl is changing into his wizarding cloak. I just look like a fucking chump in a suit. Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:45:40 AM via Seesmic for Android
  384. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK? Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:28:18 AM via Seesmic for Android
  385. I need a break from all this hobbiton, time-travel, multiverse bullshit. Where's my fucking New York Times? Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:23:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  386. Carl just spent 15 minutes trying to explain what a "multiverse" is. You mean there're other me's? My head fucking hurts. Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:10:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  387. If I understood half of what was in this speech, I'd feel a lot less nervous. What the fucking fuck is a "persistent data store"? Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:52:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  388. Axelrod's having me memorize Monty Python lines, "you know, for the nerds," but I think he just wants someone to fucking do them with him. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:47:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  389. 3.14159265... great, now this bullshit is stuck in my motherfucking head too. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:39:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  390. Carl the Intern is beside himself with excitement though. He's been reciting the digits in motherfucking pi for an hour now. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:33:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  391. That said, I may need a chalice of motherfucking mead to help me deal with these geeks. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:29:58 AM via Seesmic for Android
  392. Hanging out with nerds at Google today. Up half the night building up my elfin sorcerer, in case anyone throws down a motherfucking 20-side. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:27:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  393. Nope, screaming didn't help one fucking bit. Going to end up washing that debate down with a pint of motherfucking whiskey. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 9:51:41 PM via web
  394. Forum and debate complete. Now it's time to lock myself in a bathroom and scream for about ninety motherfucking minutes. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 8:13:11 PM via web
  395. The only thing getting me through this bullfuck of a night is visualizing that I'm somewhere else. Somewhere warm. With a water slide. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 6:34:11 PM via web
  396. CODE FUCKING RED: Whoever scheduled me to be at both a candidate forum and a debate tonight is going on my cock-punch list. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 6:13:40 PM via web
  397. Plouffe just e-mailed video of a new ad. I think it's fucking adorable that he still thinks there's a race going on. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 4:35:32 PM via web
  398. Whoever thought it was a good idea to hold a fucking election in February is getting a motherfucking cock punch on the 23rd. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 2:41:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  399. When this fucking race is over, I swear to fucking god, I'm going on a motherfucking vacation somewhere warm. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 2:10:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  400. FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING COLD. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 8:48:52 AM via Seesmic for Android
  401. Danny Davis just showed up with a sled and a hairdryer. "I'm going to sled your damn Mt. Braun and then melt it into motherfucking nothing." Wednesday, February 09, 2011 8:11:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  402. Axelrod tried it, and I think he woke up half of Ravenswood screaming as he went down. "Ride of a fucking lifetime!" Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:55:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  403. We've carved out a sledding hill in the shape of Braun's poll trends, but we're all scared to try it: too fucking steep. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:46:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  404. @knash99 because it's better than living in a motherfucking crawlspace. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to knash99
  405. Hambone just delivered new poll numbers. Fifty-four percent? I think I can feel my motherfucking toes again. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:34:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  406. Sweet fucking Jesus, thank you for these motherfucking coffee-sicles. They bring icy salvation. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:24:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  407. "Five degrees." This whale blubber had better be all they say it is, or we're going to be frozen fucking fish sticks by morning. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:12:41 PM via web
  408. Axelrod keeps checking the thermometer and announcing the temperature as it plunges. It's like we're descending into a frozen fucking hell. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 8:49:55 PM via web
  409. Burning whale blubber in the igloo tonight. It's motherfucking warm, but it smells like death. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:22:53 PM via web
  410. @chitownpolitics You're motherfucking kidding me, right? Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:17:41 PM via web in reply to chitownpolitics
  411. And then the plan is to just lead everyone in chanting "FUCK NEW YORK!" and fucking hi-five the shit out of everyone. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:30:29 AM via web
  412. Speech preview: "You can fuck around with stupid shit all you want, but in the meantime New York is making us look like chumps. Again." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:29:31 AM via web
  413. Speech preview: "So Chicago, let's stop screwing around. Let's be like the Unicorn on my T-shirt: Fucking incredible." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:18:20 AM via web
  414. Speech preview: "Because somehow this town has confused driving fucking cupcakes around with goddamn innovation." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:14:54 AM via web
  415. Speech preview: "I remember when Daniel Burnham kicked the fucking world in the nuts. Let's get back to being a town of fucking nut-kickers. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:11:36 AM via web
  416. Speech preview: "We're Chicago. Maybe--just fucking maybe--we can build something better than stupid T-shirts and half-off deals." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:08:22 AM via web
  417. This is the second time I've been to this place, and they still insist on giving me a tour. It's still just giant fucking boxes of shirts. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:02:43 AM via web
  418. So now I'm talking about innovation in a warehouse, wearing a T-shirt with a unicorn on it. Actually, that part's fucking awesome. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:55:34 AM via web
  419. Original plan was to do this speech at Groupon, but now everyone thinks they're fucking assholes. Note to self: Lay off the Tibet jokes. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:50:21 AM via web
  420. Axelrod fucking loves this place: "I'm voting up 715 different designs with mustaches on them." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:42:42 AM via web
  421. Unveiling my economic innovation plan at a novelty T-shirt company. Yes, the irony is so motherfucking palpable you could put it on a shirt. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:34:55 AM via web
  422. Riding a Mastodon over to unveil my economic innovation plan. It's so fucking cold even the Mastodon is shivering. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:17:21 AM via web
  423. Before you give me shit about my whale blubber coat, I'm pretty sure I saw a Groupon ad that said it was OK. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:54:11 AM via web
  424. Now that these fucking blubber coats are finished, Axelrod wants to go hunt sabertooth cats, but I was thinking mastadon ride. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:49:31 AM via web
  425. Been carving whale blubber since Carl got back. Upsides: So motherfucking warm. Downsides: It really fucks up a suit. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:44:07 AM via web
  426. We've sent Carl the Intern out to harpoon a motherfucking whale so we can use the blubber to keep warm. Monday, February 07, 2011 9:24:22 PM via web
  427. Do yourself a favor, and don't look at the motherfucking weather report for the next few days. Monday, February 07, 2011 9:17:03 PM via web
  428. MOTHERFUCK THIS FUCKING SNOW. Monday, February 07, 2011 5:30:31 PM via web
  429. @BossPrez Nothing a little snow can't fix. And oh look what's falling from the sky right motherfucking now. Monday, February 07, 2011 4:59:10 PM via web in reply to mhemgesberg
  430. Also, he appears to have a pretty fucking wicked concussion. Just fucking perfect. Monday, February 07, 2011 4:56:36 PM via web
  431. Axelrod just tried to clear the igloo too, and now we've got an Axelrod-shaped hole in the wall. Fuck. Monday, February 07, 2011 4:52:23 PM via web
  432. HOLY FUCK: Carl the Intern can fucking flip clear over the goddamn igloo. The Jesse White Tumblers are going fucking nuts! Monday, February 07, 2011 4:46:12 PM via web
  433. Best thing about being endorsed by Jesse White is getting to hang out with the fucking Tumblers. Motherfucking back flips! Monday, February 07, 2011 4:05:12 PM via web
  434. @meredithshiner Man, they really have you on the crack fucking assignments, don't they? Monday, February 07, 2011 3:56:11 PM via web in reply to meredithshiner
  435. Bleach burn remedy: lay down shirtless in the snow. It stings for a minute, but then you don't feel a fucking thing. Monday, February 07, 2011 1:16:08 PM via web
  436. You know what doesn't work? Bleach. Now I have a white spot on my blue shirt, and a motherfucking chemical burn on my chest. Monday, February 07, 2011 12:34:33 PM via web
  437. Working on my economic innovation plan, but really need a motherfucking mustard out of my shirt innovation plan instead. Monday, February 07, 2011 12:18:42 PM via web
  438. @spencerkeys Well that was the most motherfucking depressing thing I've ever read, fucking ever. Monday, February 07, 2011 11:15:22 AM via web in reply to spencerkeys
  439. Sweet motherfucking coffee, I love you more than I love myself. Monday, February 07, 2011 7:59:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  440. Ended up staying up all night rewatching Superbowl XX over and over. My entire fucking day is going to be fueled by coffee. Monday, February 07, 2011 7:46:43 AM via web
  441. CUE THE SUPERBOWL MOTHERFUCKING SHUFFLE. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:56:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  442. God, XX really was the greatest game that was ever fucking played. Our matching '85 Bears sweaters are aglow. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:42:58 PM via web
  443. Christ, we're just watching, rewinding, and re-watching when the Fridge runs in for the motherfucking TD. Go Bears. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:33:46 PM via web
  444. Second fucking half of Superbowl XX. I know how it end, but I fucking cry every time. Tears of fucking joy. Go Bears. Sunday, February 06, 2011 7:36:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  445. God, I fucking miss this you, Sweetness. When you ran the ball, it really was like you were making romance. Sunday, February 06, 2011 5:55:26 PM via web
  446. Ran into Chico while picking up chicken. He said he was watching "just for the commercials," which confirmed that he's a raging douche. Sunday, February 06, 2011 5:54:05 PM via web
  447. Picked up a bucket of chicken, and am settling into the igloo to watch a tape of the 1985 Superbowl. Go fucking Bears! Sunday, February 06, 2011 5:45:21 PM via web
  448. @jpnussba Actually, the aquarium has really pretty shitty sharks, and "jumped the beluga" doesn't fucking sound right. Sunday, February 06, 2011 2:48:06 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jpnussba
  449. Things are good here now. We're all going to head out to brunch and then get busy not watching the motherfucking Superbowl. Sunday, February 06, 2011 10:00:51 AM via web
  450. Man, Quaxelrod really took a good chunk off Axelrod's mustache. What a great fucking duck. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:45:50 AM via web
  451. It's over. We're all sitting in the igloo together, sobbing. It's been a hard race. Someone was going to fucking snap eventually. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:43:58 AM via web
  452. HOLY SHIT! IT'S QUAXELROD!! That little fucking duck just swooped in and has Axelrod by the 'stache. We're saved! Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:25:34 AM via web
  453. Jesus fucking Christ, we're all fucking crying here. He's just standing there, quivering, ready to strike. Someone tell Amy I loved her. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:20:31 AM via web
  454. Carl the Intern, Hambone, and I are backed into a fucking corner here. This may be it for us. Axelrod's got the shovel up over his head. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:15:41 AM via web
  455. Axelrod's yelling "CORN COB PIPE"--swing--"BUTTON NOSE"--swing--"TWO EYES MADE OUT OF COAL"--swing. We are so fucked. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:03:36 AM via web
  456. Holy fuck: He's taking fucking swings at us with his shovel now. We're ducking 'em, but he's taking chunks out of the igloo. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:58:47 AM via web
  457. Pretty sure Axelrod thinks we're all snowmen. He keeps yelling, "Where's your magic fucking top hat, you snowy fucks?" Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:48:47 AM via web
  458. Axelrod's gripping that shovel a little too tightly, and ranting about crystalline formations. This might not fucking end well. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:42:50 AM via web
  459. Axelrod's eyes are fucking wild, like Shackleton's on his last expedition. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:25:47 AM via web
  460. Axelrod is insisting that he has this fucking shit under control, but we're all a little afraid that he's gone a bit snowmad. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:24:22 AM via web
  461. Oh great, just what we need: more motherfucking, goddamn, shit-assing snow. Sunday, February 06, 2011 7:36:18 AM via Seesmic for Android
  462. I'm living in a motherfucking igloo, and you assholes choose a piece of shit house like number one? Fuck these fucking House Hunters. Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:33:53 PM via web
  463. House number one? What the fuck is that bullshit?! I'd give the rest of my fucking finger stub for house number three! Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:25:34 PM via web
  464. @jrho_jrho Fucking tell me about it. Axelrod just calls that show H&H and changes into his own brown overalls when he watches it. Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:01:06 PM via web in reply to jrho_jrho
  465. @jebarton There's a lot of fucking snow here. It just blends the fuck in. Saturday, February 05, 2011 9:52:19 PM via web in reply to jebarton
  466. @Shelley723 Live tweet it? Fuck that. I'm going to savor this shit. Saturday, February 05, 2011 9:51:52 PM via web in reply to Shelley723
  467. House Hunters is on next. Axelrod is motherfucking beside himself. "Which goddamn house are they going to choose?" Saturday, February 05, 2011 9:49:05 PM via web
  468. Carl the Intern just finished splicing into the asshole's cable, so now this motherfucking igloo gets 148 channels. HGTV, bitches. Saturday, February 05, 2011 7:52:01 PM via web
  469. @Jen3317 Feel free to ask for you motherfucking money back. Saturday, February 05, 2011 7:48:45 PM via web in reply to Jen3317
  470. @Lionfisile You really don't fucking understand what the word "rhyme" means, do you? Saturday, February 05, 2011 5:12:04 PM via web in reply to Lionfisile
  471. Shuffling my way back to the igloo now, this frozen foam voting booth is like walking around in a fucking block of wood. Saturday, February 05, 2011 4:54:21 PM via web
  472. Holy fuck, foam-rubber costumes really stiffen up when you're out in the fucking cold all day. Saturday, February 05, 2011 4:48:25 PM via web
  473. @KaitlinHenry I hear you. Some mornings are motherfucking funnel mornings. Saturday, February 05, 2011 12:13:51 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KaitlinHenry
  474. He started out saying, "This giant foam voting booth is sacred... " Then I tuned him out just like every fucking other time Del Valle talks. Saturday, February 05, 2011 11:15:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  475. Del Valle just arrived and is taking inflatable Chico to task for double fucking voting. Ha fucking ha. Saturday, February 05, 2011 11:09:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  476. Great, now Braun's here--regular size--and she's fucking pretending to vote too. Why the fuck aren't there armholes in this fucking suit? Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:39:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  477. Chico just showed up wearing a huge inflatable Chico costume, and he's pretending to use my foam booth to vote. Fuck. Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:11:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  478. Visiting early voting centers today. If you want to stop by, I'll be the fucking guy wearing the giant foam voting booth. Saturday, February 05, 2011 8:30:20 AM via web
  479. Coffee, bitches. The secret is motherfucking coffee. Saturday, February 05, 2011 8:10:52 AM via web
  480. @maureenjohnson The asshole's lease is up in motherfucking May. Friday, February 04, 2011 7:16:05 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to maureenjohnson
  481. The motherfucking party is in the motherfucking igloo tonight. Friday, February 04, 2011 7:05:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  482. Just walked the fuck out of that meeting. Fuck everything: it's Friday fucking night! Friday, February 04, 2011 6:09:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  483. More motherfucking meetings. It's cute that someone still thinks there's a race, but it's cutting into my motherfucking Friday. Friday, February 04, 2011 5:10:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  484. Chicago fucking Tribune endorsement, bitches! Think of how fucking awesome that would be if anyone fucking read a newspaper. Friday, February 04, 2011 4:38:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  485. Motherfucking meetings all afternoon. Don't people understand that it's fucking Friday? Friday, February 04, 2011 3:43:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  486. @Tuuvan I always use Scott brand toilet paper when I tell people they're full of fucking shit. Friday, February 04, 2011 10:02:23 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Tuuvan
  487. @livingminimal Carl's busy drafting our motherfucking economic plan. Friday, February 04, 2011 9:51:38 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to livingminimal
  488. With all this fucking snow, what are the chances of a giant fucking line at Hot Dougs today? Nobody tell Quaxelrod about the duck fat fries. Friday, February 04, 2011 9:48:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  489. Finally digging out Axelrod's Civic. Starting to regret not getting the fucking passenger-side window replaced. Friday, February 04, 2011 9:18:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  490. Motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, coffee sure tastes absolutely fucking incredible this morning. Friday, February 04, 2011 7:43:29 AM via web
  491. A belly warm with whiskey, a duck and a dog sleeping soundly, and your best friend playing Jovi. Motherfucking awesome. Thursday, February 03, 2011 9:29:40 PM via web
  492. Sitting in the igloo, passing a bottle around. Axelrod busted out his guitar and is singing Bon fucking Jovi. "On a steel horse I ride..." Thursday, February 03, 2011 9:07:34 PM via web
  493. Carl even built a little second floor--sorry, "a lofted atrium"--where Hambone and Quaxelrod can hang out. This place is fucking awesome. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:54:41 PM via web
  494. @honeychildpleaz Who the fuck died and made you Webster's fucking Dictionary, you stupid fucking asshole. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:47:08 PM via web in reply to honeybadgerplz
  495. He built a little fireplace, so we're warm in here. And we can actually stand up--major fucking benefit over the crawlspace. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:46:28 PM via web
  496. Carl the Intern did a incredible job on this igloo. It's got a couple little snow desks, a fridge, some fucking ice couches. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:44:48 PM via web
  497. Made it back to the igloo. Ran into a total of four people: cupcake driver, a guy on a donut run, and two canvassers for motherfucking Chico Thursday, February 03, 2011 3:16:30 PM via web
  498. Finally ran into another person. And it's someone driving a motherfucking cupcake truck. Fucking cupcakes. Thursday, February 03, 2011 2:05:10 PM via web
  499. There are a lot of things I can say I've done with my life. But now I can say I made a motherfucking snow angel on Lake Michigan. Thursday, February 03, 2011 12:50:10 PM via web
  500. Now we're walking out on the Lake. It's just one giant fucking sheet of grey fucking ice. And it's just the five of us. Thursday, February 03, 2011 11:22:16 AM via web
  501. The Loop is fucking abandoned. We're swinging from the El tracks like they're motherfucking monkey bars. Thursday, February 03, 2011 10:40:42 AM via web
  502. Quaxelrod fucking owns the motherfucking express lanes. Waddling like a bad-ass motherfucker. Thursday, February 03, 2011 10:12:00 AM via web
  503. It really does feel like the end of the fucking world. We're walking down the middle of the motherfucking Dan Ryan right now. Thursday, February 03, 2011 10:09:05 AM via web
  504. We're all in our fucking Arctic-grade snowsuits, just wandering. Axelrod's eyes are lit up, "It's like we're the last people on earth." Thursday, February 03, 2011 9:33:30 AM via web
  505. Fuck it, we've all left the igloo, just playing with Hambone in the snow. Plouffe's still on speaker being unin-fucking-telligible Thursday, February 03, 2011 8:25:45 AM via web
  506. Seriously, this is fucking Plouffe: "I .... hrm... kit... fuck... and... shit... Quaxelrod... log." How the fuck does this fucking help? Thursday, February 03, 2011 8:20:41 AM via web
  507. Strategy session in the igloo, Plouffe's in over speakerphone. We can't understand a single motherfucking word he's saying. Thursday, February 03, 2011 8:10:59 AM via web
  508. Motherfucking sweet fucking coffee. We're drinking it in motherfucking snow cups. Thursday, February 03, 2011 7:47:16 AM via web
  509. Carl the Intern built an igloo, and we're all just laying around in here, fucking whiskied and exhausted. Stay fucking warm. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 6:27:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  510. Jesus fucking Christ, my arms fucking ache from all that fucking shoveling. Quaxelrod can barely lift his little wings. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 5:05:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  511. @MerrittPR For a PR flack, you're actually a terrible fucking liar, you stupid fucking fuck. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 4:45:27 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to MerrittPR
  512. Sun's out, streets are mostly clear. MOTHERFUCKING SNOWBALL FUCKING FIGHT. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 2:49:13 PM via web
  513. What's up, motherfucking sun--nice to see you. A little fucking late though. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:55:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  514. And we're out. Holy fuck, it's fucking Hoth out here. Axelrod's handing out the goddamn shovels. Let's get digging. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:37:08 AM via web
  515. Hambone's done digging the shafts, now Carl'll trigger the implosion and we ride this pork elevator to fucking freedom. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:20:26 AM via web
  516. @Rebecca_Bates What's so complicated about an escape scenario involving a dog, cans of pork n beans, and an intern? Oh fuck. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:18:39 AM via web in reply to Rebecca_Bates
  517. Where did Carl learn all this? "I'm in the Junior Engineering club at Lane Tech." Fuck yes. Hambone, get those paws digging! Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:02:11 AM via web
  518. Carl's got Hambone tunneling five shafts out, which will result in a "controlled implosion." Yeah, that sounds fucking safe. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:59:26 AM via web
  519. I get the pork n beans elevator, but I'm still a little unclear on how we're actually digging the motherfucking escape tunnel. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:45:26 AM via web
  520. When he presented the plans to me and Axelrod, he said, "It's pretty simple, really: We're going to Chilean Miner this shit." Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:42:28 AM via web
  521. Carl the Intern has emptied all the pork n beans onto the crawlspace floor and is welding the cans together into a fucking escape elevator. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:40:52 AM via web
  522. Carl the Intern is designing a tunnel to get us the fuck out. "The key is that it doesn't collapse in on itself while we're inside." Wednesday, February 02, 2011 9:01:15 AM via web
  523. A downside to living in the crawlspace under my rented house: We're fucking snowed the fuck in. Not in--snowed fucking under. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 8:58:45 AM via web
  524. HOLY FUCK. IT IS INFUCKINGSANE OUTSIDE. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 8:47:41 AM via web
  525. MOTHERFUCKING THUNDERFUCKINGSNOW ALL UP IN HERE. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 10:22:52 PM via web
  526. Back at the crawlspace, hot toddies all the fuck around. Fucking stay the fuck warm, bitches. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:45:22 PM via web
  527. I'M THE FUCKING KING OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD! Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:06:41 PM via web
  528. Balanced on the roof of this plow cab, riding a fucking ice wave, in the middle of the worst fucking blizzard in a generation. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:06:30 PM via web
  529. We caught the wave! It's a fucking twenty fucking footer, all fucking gray and ice and snarl. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:04:33 PM via web
  530. ... and we're off the curve and in the goddamn air, flying. The wind and water are like wild animals fucking. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:02:28 PM via web
  531. Up on the roof of the cab, heading north down Lake Shore fast. Curve's coming up. Time to hang the fuck on... Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:56:45 PM via web
  532. @maureenjohnson Like Florida in 1500 fucked. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:46:24 PM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  533. Me, I've got a fleet of Teamsters, and we're barreling down Milwaukee. ACES FUCKING HIGH, YOU MOTHERFUCKING STORM. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:45:45 PM via web
  534. Holy fuck. Unless you've got a fleet of Teamsters to drive you around, STAY THE FUCK INSIDE. It's insane out here. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:41:33 PM via web
  535. The plan: We're going to hit velocity on the Michigan Ave curve, launch into the water, and ride a motherfucking 18' wave to victory. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:31:45 PM via web
  536. Axelrod just called in from a Teamster truck. "We're going to go surf a plow on the lake. You in?" Fuck yes I'm in. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:26:40 PM via web
  537. A giant fucking snowball rolled against crawlspace door. It busted open and out fell Carl the Intern, Hambone, Quaxelrod, and my Oreos. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 5:20:09 PM via web
  538. Plan: When this shit is over, massive fucking snowball fight on Ravenswood. East side of tracks vs west side. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:44:04 PM via web
  539. @tailsofrachel there's nothing fucking imminent about it. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:35:25 PM via web in reply to tailsofrachel
  540. Looking out the periscope Axelrod hooked up. I'm pretty fucking sure snow isn't supposed to fall UP. What the fucking fuck. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:33:21 PM via web
  541. Sending Carl the Intern out on a sled, with Quaxelrod and Hambone mushing. Hope he's back with the fucking Oreos soon. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:16:53 PM via web
  542. Axelrod just came in for a quick check-in at the Weathercenter. His eyes are shining like motherfucking beacons. "This is my time." Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:09:38 PM via web
  543. Oh fuck. I already ate all the motherfucking Oreos. Thinking about sending Carl the Intern out to pick up more. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:05:49 PM via web
  544. @johnfritchey Worst part is when they bump even THAT for storm coverage. Face it: you're fucked. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:02:57 PM via web in reply to johnfritchey
  545. @maureenjohnson Very fucking fucked. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:01:48 PM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  546. That's right Chico, Braun, and Del Valle, what do you got? Don't bring a motherfucking shovel to a plow fight. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 3:56:54 PM via web
  547. Axelrod's got a line of Teamsters trucks parked outside and he's attaching plows to them. Motherfucking shovel fucking ready. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 3:53:08 PM via web
  548. Axelrod's outside screaming, "ITS FUCKING HERE! IT'S FUCKING HERE!" Tuesday, February 01, 2011 3:25:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  549. Axelrod's outside just bellowing, "THE WIND IS PICKING THE MOTHERFUCK UP!" Tuesday, February 01, 2011 12:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  550. Public Service Announcement: In about three hours, you're going to need a lot of fucking whiskey. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 12:49:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  551. @designhawg We already have fifteen lawn chairs and a motherfucking cast-iron stove waiting on the curb to fill Axelrod's spot. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 9:39:02 AM via web in reply to designhawg
  552. @dullcatastrophe The backup generators have motherfucking backups. We're covered. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:55:38 AM via web in reply to dullcatastrophe
  553. Irish motherfucking coffee for the fucking win. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:41:38 AM via web
  554. Report from Axelrod's weathercenter has the big storm hitting later this afternoon. Perfectly fucking reasonable to get drunk now. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:40:06 AM via web
  555. Axelrod's built a cubicle out of oversize pork 'n' beans cans. He calls it "the weathercenter." It's been beeping all fucking night. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:24:30 AM via web
  556. Sweet fucking coffee. Axelrod had us buy 20 pounds of beans to weather the storm. I fucking doubled that. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:15:37 AM via web
  557. @johnfritchey You forgot to buy milk? You're so fucking fucked. Axelrod had us buy 40 gallons, so if you need one, ski over here. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:11:49 AM via web
  558. Finished my first two-hour snow-watch shift. So far, it's just really fucking cold. Hambone's up next. Monday, January 31, 2011 9:52:33 PM via web
  559. @tigerflight show me the fucking hand on a motherfucking duck or puppy. Fucking fucktard. Monday, January 31, 2011 5:24:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to tigerflight
  560. The snowsuits Axelrod made for Hambone and Quaxelrod are adorable. Tiny fucking snowshoes. Tiny fucking hats. Monday, January 31, 2011 5:20:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  561. Snow preparations finally done. Now Axelrod just passed out our motherfucking sleeping shifts. 'Everyone gets two hours on watch. Everyone." Monday, January 31, 2011 5:19:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  562. Carl the Intern just asked if I need him to go Supreme this healthcare bullshit too. The kid learns fucking fast. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:45:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  563. @maureenjohnson I'm on motherfucking fucking snow patrol for the next 48 hours. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:38:32 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to maureenjohnson
  564. Is it a preexisting condition when every fucking healthcare opponent is a fucking cancer in my ass? Monday, January 31, 2011 2:36:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  565. Fuck Florida, fuck district courts, and fuck those tea-shitting fuck-party assholes. I worked too fucking hard on that bill. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:29:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  566. The motherfucking Healthcare law is ruled un-fucking-constitutional? Fuck this motherfucking bullshit. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:14:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  567. Axelrod's response? "You want to be the asshole out there shoveling with his hands when we break the 18th,shovel just stop looking." Monday, January 31, 2011 2:02:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  568. Axelrod's list calls for twenty shovels, but I've hit six stores and only have eighteen. Fuck. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:01:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  569. @lindsayiversen I'd call a motherfucking successful fundraiser last night 'campaigning,' asshole. Monday, January 31, 2011 11:16:00 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lindsayiversen
  570. Axelrod has Carl the Intern smoking meats down here. This whole crawlspace smells fucking incredible. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:50:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  571. "... the fact that I'm on the cover is just pure fucking coincidence." But he's fucking smiling. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:22:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  572. I asked Axelrod about the fucking newspapers. "It's for preservation for future generations, in case we don't survive the storm... " Monday, January 31, 2011 10:21:38 AM via Seesmic for Android
  573. Also on Axelrod's Storm Survival list: 100 copies of today's Chicago fucking Tribune and 100 newspaper-sized picture frames. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:13:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  574. Axelrod handed me a shopping list and said, "We don't have much time." The fuck do we need oxygen tanks for? Monday, January 31, 2011 10:02:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  575. Got back to the crawlspace and Axelrod's stockpiling canned goods. He just keeps muttering "storm coming." Fuck this shit. Monday, January 31, 2011 9:41:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  576. Jesus fucking Christ, I just woke up in the back of the Wilco van. My bongo hand feels like it's fucking broken. Monday, January 31, 2011 8:40:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  577. @TopSEO_Experts fuck you and your stupid fucking spam account. Sunday, January 30, 2011 9:54:42 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to TopSEO_Experts
  578. Also, would it fucking kill this motherfucker to smile every now and then? Cheer up, Tweedy! Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:42:26 PM via web
  579. @RickSigler Have fun voting for Braun, asshole. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:38:05 PM via web in reply to RickSigler
  580. So it goes without fucking saying, that he's going out there and playing "I Gotta Feeling," right fucking now. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:26:44 PM via web
  581. I told him that he can stuff his fucking guitar up his ass and go play for Chico--he'll make his troubadour ass play Beiber. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:25:05 PM via web
  582. But no, Tweedy's pulling this fucking "I'm in Wilco, so I'm going to play Wilco songs" bullshit, like he knows anything about fundraising. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:23:07 PM via web
  583. Not saying they're a good band--they're fucking terrible. But if you want people with money to give that shit away, play the Black Eyed Peas Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:21:54 PM via web
  584. Tweedy's being pissy because he doesn't want to play any Black Eyed Peas songs. What the fuck? People love that shit. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:18:52 PM via web
  585. Spent all goddamn day at the vet getting that goddamn Lego out of Quaxelrod. Now running late to Tweedy's fucking fundraiser. Sunday, January 30, 2011 5:47:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  586. Oh fuck. Quaxelrod just ate Lego Mubarak. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:29:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  587. There's a toy standoff in front of the Lincoln Logs Department of the Interior. The My Pretty Ponies refuse to move the fuck along. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:05:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  588. @Oscar_Wang fuck you, you stupid fucking shitbag. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:02:11 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Oscar_Wang
  589. A can of Barrel O Monkeys is trying to loot the Lego museum, but they're being stopped by a floppy sheriff doll and a spaceman toy. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:41:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  590. A whole crowd of Barbies just set the Ministry of Information on fucking Lego fire. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:33:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  591. Axelrod has built a scale model of all of fucking Egypt out of Legos. It looks fucking amazing. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:06:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  592. Carl the Intern is wearing my wife's wedding dress under his sheet. "I'm the fucking Ghost Bride." Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:36:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  593. @kalenski Jesus fucking Christ, Hambone is a motherfucking puppy. Quaxelrod is the duck. Keep up, asshole. Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:24:17 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to kalenski
  594. Hambone looks fucking spooky as shit in his ghost sheet. Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:16:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  595. BOO! You stupid motherfucker. Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:01:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  596. @alisavino it's not my job to catch you the fuck up. Saturday, January 29, 2011 6:36:00 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to alisavino
  597. Just found a box of sheets in the crawlspace. We're going to cut out eyeholes and haunt the fuck out of Halpin upstairs. Saturday, January 29, 2011 6:27:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  598. Fucking nailed it on take four fifty three. Ring ring, motherfuckers, I'm calling you up. Saturday, January 29, 2011 12:22:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  599. Motherfucking take fucking one hundred and twenty fucking six. Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:30:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  600. On take fucking forty-six on these robocalls. I'm this fucking close to biting the fucking head off this fucking microphone. Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:13:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  601. Text from Plouffe: "Just lube up your asshole then, because you're recording robocalls today. " Fuck. Saturday, January 29, 2011 9:09:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  602. I mean fucking seriously, you spend five fucking days a week being fucked in the ass by meetings. We really need to make it six? Saturday, January 29, 2011 9:06:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  603. Motherfucking Saturday meetings need to be constitutionally illegal. Saturday, January 29, 2011 9:02:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  604. Just opened a box: motherfucking Twister! This night just got in-fucking-sane! Friday, January 28, 2011 6:54:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  605. @freejoe76 I'm thinking fucking no on that one, scoop. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:45:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to freejoe76
  606. Best part of being down here is that I get to wear my grandfather's pleather jacket. I look like motherfucking Fonzie. Aaaaay. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:41:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  607. No furniture down here yet, so we're just sitting on boxes passing a bottle. Axelrod found a box of Legos, so he's in fucking heaven. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:35:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  608. Holy fucking fuck, it's finally motherfucking Friday fucking night. Longest fucking week ever. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:03:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  609. Couldn't find an apartment. Just moving into the crawlspace of my old house. Nobody tell the fucking asshole upstairs. Friday, January 28, 2011 4:43:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  610. Out apartment hunting. Again. It's fucking hard to find a place that'll take both a dog and a duck. Friday, January 28, 2011 12:23:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  611. Holy fucking Jesus fuck, little Alyssa just pulled a triple flip cannonball to win this shit. Axelrod's pouting in his speedo. Friday, January 28, 2011 9:51:20 AM via Seesmic for Android
  612. It's Axelrod and this seven-year-old girl named Alyssa in the finals, both tied at 9.8. The whole cleaning crew is here, fucking cheering. Friday, January 28, 2011 9:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  613. Cannonballs in the motherfucking pool. Quaxelrod is the judge. I got a 7.3 Friday, January 28, 2011 9:16:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  614. Carl the Intern and Axelrod are in a pancake eating contest. Motherfucking artists at work. Friday, January 28, 2011 8:01:04 AM via web
  615. This Holiday Inn Express breakfast buffet is about to get fucked like it's never been fucked before. Friday, January 28, 2011 7:33:03 AM via web
  616. "Lets Break out of this fake ass Party / Turn this in to a Classic Night / If we die in each others arms..." Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:39:30 PM via web
  617. Now we're all crammed in Axelrod's fucking Civic, the ceiling's still dented in, driving down Lake Shore Drive, just fucking freestyling. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:38:32 PM via web
  618. Carl just looked at me, and said, "What did you expect? I told you we'd Supreme this shit, so we motherfucking Supremed this shit." Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:31:00 PM via web
  619. It turns out Carl the Intern and Axelrod didn't crash Axelrod's Civic into City Hall. They went down to motherfucking Springfield instead. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:29:56 PM via web
  620. We're all fucking crying and laughing and barking and quacking and the city has never looked more beautiful, and in four weeks I'll be mayor Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:25:30 PM via web
  621. I'm crying like a baby, because this has been a motherfucking week from fucking hell, and here we all are, on Michigan avenue, in the snow. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:20:41 PM via web
  622. And Quaxelrod is fucking flying circles around their heads, and fucking Hambone leapt up onto the roof of the car. And I'm fucking crying. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:18:26 PM via web
  623. They're blaring that fucking Peter Gabriel song! And they're fucking smiling fucking huge smiles! And it's snowing. And it's beautiful. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:17:16 PM via web
  624. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! There's Axelrod and Carl the Intern, standing on the roof of the goddamn Civic, boomboxes over their heads. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:15:24 PM via web
  625. But seriously, that fucking Peter fucking Gabriel song is getting louder. Hambone says I'm crazy, but it's really goddamn loud now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:06:46 PM via web
  626. Anyway, that shits over. One more of these motherfucking things. Then I never have to hang out with those three fucking people again. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:04:47 PM via web
  627. You know, in a motherfucking debate. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:02:59 PM via web
  628. I don't want to fucking sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:02:22 PM via web
  629. Hambone thinks it went well, but I hate these fucking things. I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything in a debate. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:01:04 PM via web
  630. Goddamn it, there's that fucking song again. Do you fucking hear it? I fucking swear Chico looked when it started up. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:57:54 PM via web
  631. I'm about to meet the challenge of changing out of this fucking suit. Almost fucking done. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:56:54 PM via web
  632. Hambone fucking drilled me on these goddamn facts and figures. I think I fucking nailed them 99% percent of the time. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:50:08 PM via web
  633. Chico thinks he smells fucking amazing, but the rest of us were joking about "eu de Chico" backstage. Right next to him, it's overpowering. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:46:35 PM via web
  634. Also, I'm pretty fucking sure Braun is dozing off right now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:44:15 PM via web
  635. I'm stabbing Axelrod's MousekePen into my thigh every time the motherfucking camera cuts away. 17 more fucking minutes. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:43:14 PM via web
  636. Alright, bitches, let's debate this shit. Thursday, January 27, 2011 6:58:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  637. Reached in my pocket and pulled out Axelrod's Disneyland pen. I gave him my fucking heart. He gave me a MousekePen. Thursday, January 27, 2011 6:46:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  638. Holy fucking fuck, that fucking Peter fucking Gabriel song is back in my fucking head. Just what I fucking need. Thursday, January 27, 2011 6:29:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  639. Ah, fuck it. TOSS ME ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING BEER, WE'RE WINNING THIS MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:55:30 PM via web
  640. And Carl. Jesus, seemed like that kid's heart just shattered in two on Monday. He'd probably be up on Axelrod's fucking shoulders right now Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:51:13 PM via web
  641. Axelrod would probably be wearing his beer hat right now, grinning like the motherfucking Cheshire fucking Cat. Fucking where are you? Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:45:54 PM via web
  642. God, I fucking wish Axelrod and Carl the Intern were here right now. Who's going to hold my fucking feet for the kegstands? Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:40:59 PM via web
  643. You stupid fucking fucks, have to debate me now. BRING IT THE FUCK ON! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:39:19 PM via web
  644. Just ran up to the other sorry fucking candidates and yelled, "MOTHERFUCKING WINNING THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE!" Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:36:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  645. Shotgunning motherfucking cans of motherfucking beer two at a goddamn time! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:24:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  646. FUCK THE DEBATE, LET'S HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:17:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  647. Huh. Feel a little stupid about the whole fucking apartment trashing thing now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:14:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  648. Hambone is fucking humping every fucking leg in sight. Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:12:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  649. MOTHERFUCKING STREET LEGAL, BITCHES! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:08:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  650. Why did it just get so fucking quiet in here? Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:00:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  651. And I totally see Braun strutting around with her fucking rooster. But no goddamn ducks? For fucking shame, man. For. Fucking. Shame. Thursday, January 27, 2011 4:35:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  652. What the fucking fuck do you mean, no waterfowl in the Chicago City Club? Chico probably got his motherfucking Guinea Hen in! Thursday, January 27, 2011 4:24:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  653. This motherfucking snow is going to make me look ridiculous if I go out in my tiger T-shirt. Thursday, January 27, 2011 3:32:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  654. I may just go over in this T-shirt and sweats. The shirt has a sweet fucking tiger on it. Hambone thinks it's bad-ass. Thursday, January 27, 2011 12:17:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  655. Picking out clothes for the debate tonight. I've got fucking duck shit on most of my suits. Thursday, January 27, 2011 12:12:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  656. There's that goddamn motherfucking song again. I'm going to stab myself in the fucking ear soon. Thursday, January 27, 2011 10:58:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  657. Quaxelrod needs a swim, Hambone needs a walk, Pillow Del Valle needs a fluff. Didn't I used to have people that took care of this bullshit? Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:23:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  658. Quaxelrod thinks we should do more debate prep, but I think it's because he gets a fucking bread crumb when he gets a right answer. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:59:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  659. Sweet fucking coffee, you sometimes feel like my only motherfucking friend. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:32:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  660. Hey entire fucking East Coast: Yes, your weather patterns are fucking you in the ass. Now kindly shut the fuck up about it. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:03:32 AM via web
  661. @andymboyle I miss that guy. Sometimes he'd play the guitar all night. I wish I hadn't told him to shut the fuck up so many times now. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:46:13 PM via web in reply to andymboyle
  662. @jason_hardesty you're really not motherfucking helping at fucking all. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:32:21 PM via web in reply to jason_hardesty
  663. @CarmintheB He's a fucking pillow. You're really fucking asking? Holy fucking fuck. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:22:30 PM via web in reply to CarmintheB
  664. Seriously, this fucking song won't get the fuck out of my fucking head. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:21:02 PM via web
  665. @mtroy_hughes Smart people. Hope they keep them out. Motherfuck the motherfucking cupcake trucks. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:38:47 PM via web in reply to mtroy_hughes
  666. Debate prep wrapped. I sincerely fucking hope that Chico doesn't lick my face tomorrow as much as Hambone did tonight. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:23:03 PM via web
  667. I may have underestimated Pillow Del Valle. He's definitely got some good points about the fucking hotel tax. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:05:28 PM via web
  668. I keep getting Peter fucking Gabriel's motherfucking "In Your Eyes" stuck in my fucking head and it's driving me goddamn insane.